“Should” Is a 4-Letter Word
Why this one word is sabotaging your leadership — and your team.
The Problem with “Should”
“You should have known.”
“You should do it this way.”
“You should be more proactive.”
We’ve all heard (and said) these phrases. But what do they achieve?
The word “should” often carries implicit judgment, suggesting that someone has failed to meet an expectation. Rather than fostering understanding or growth, it can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
I know this firsthand.
I once had a manager who would constantly tell me, “You should have known that client wasn’t going to buy.”
I was actively pursuing the business, doing what I thought was best. But instead of support or guidance, I got blame.
“Should have known.” No insight. No advice. Just judgment.
The impact was demoralizing.
It didn’t just make me question that one opportunity. It made me question my instincts entirely. Was I missing things? Was I wasting time? Was I just bad at this?
Every time he said “should,” my confidence took another hit.
I had heard “should” plenty growing up too and I never liked it. However, it wasn’t until I saw it used repeatedly by a poor manager that I realized how dangerous a word it is — and how much damage it can cause.
The Impact on Leadership and Teams
For Leaders:
Using “should” statements can unintentionally convey disappointment or disapproval, even when that’s not the intent. A well-meaning suggestion can feel like a judgment, eroding trust and open communication within teams.
For Employees:
Hearing “should” can trigger self-doubt and anxiety. Instead of focusing on solutions, they become preoccupied with avoiding mistakes or living up to vague expectations. It prevents someone from taking chances in the future.
According to research from the Harvard Business Review, “should” statements are a form of cognitive distortion — a mental trap where we assume a standard that must be met, even if it’s unrealistic or unclear. This creates a sense of pressure and stress, reducing both engagement and productivity.
It’s a cycle. Leaders say “should” to push for better performance. Employees feel judged. They become less confident. Leaders see less initiative and say “should” even more.
A Better Approach
Instead of “should,” maybe try:
“Have you considered…?” Opens up dialogue without assigning blame.
“What if we tried…?” Encourages collaboration and innovation.
“Can you help me understand…?” Fosters mutual understanding and learning.
By shifting language, you replace judgment with curiosity. And that changes everything.
A Quick Reality Check for Leaders:
How often are you saying “should” to your team?
When you do, are you offering guidance — or simply venting frustration?
What if, instead of “should,” you asked for their perspective first?
Final Thoughts
Words shape our workplace culture.
Being mindful of language, especially seemingly harmless words like “should,” can make a significant difference in team dynamics and overall morale.
At Engage3P, we help leaders build clarity — not confusion.
Because when you replace judgment with curiosity, you unlock the power of real communication.
What’s one “should” you’re ready to stop using today? Would love to know what this means for you?
